Da Vinci
Private, Black Label
www.private.com


As noble a visionary as the great Leonardo Da Vinci (himself) was, even he would have needed an electrified predicting machine with all the knobs dialed to 11 to see this one coming.

Ken Brown's Da Vinci Code saga took a decidedly lustful leap forward this past May with the Private.com release of Da Vinci, a part-spoof/part-addendum directed by Antonio Adamo. That's a name you'll recognize if you consider yourself a fan of Fuck Your Neighbor, Lost in Sex or Private Gold 52 through 64.

Da Vinci, by the way, is not a particularly strong effort in the 'great porno names' category -- Da Vinci *Chode*? That's just off the top of my head -- I guess that's why I'm the writer, and they're the ones getting paid to fuck each other in the ass all day. Anyway, Da Vinci put forth a strong cast of professional dick lappers and cum slingers -- all worthy, in their way, to take part in this spoofage, er homage, to the great Master.

This film holds its own convincingly even when compared to such industry classics as Fuck My Daughter 8 or Last Train to Cumsville. But this was clearly not an effort to merely stand among giants in an industry where being giant (or Asian) is so greatly important. No, this was clearly an effort by the filmmakers to transcend genres in such the same way as Deep Throat and Urban Cowboy did in the 70's.

So the Hollywood poobahs might point to the record-breaking opening weekend of Da Vinci Code, as they scoff and question how a Euro-slut production team that likely paid its talent in sandwiches and ecstasy could possibly compete with the great Ron Howard (formerly Richie Cuntingham -- maybe there are more connections here than meet the eye).

The porn DaVinci begins much like The Da Vinci Code chronicled by Ken Brown. There has been a murder. Falco and Maestro exchange words about why this was necessary. We hear some kludgy dialogue and fanciful backstory. But this is where the visions of the directors part ways, if for only a brief time. While Ron Howard felt it necessary to stick close to the book, shuttling right along to the murder scene that throws the story into gear and sets the course for the events to come throughout the movie, Adamo takes a different approach: his characters begin to fuck.

"Is it true Asian pussies are very tight?" our ancient artifact expert asks his just-arrived call girl in cute smile and charming accent. The call girl gives him a minxy smile -- then in analytical voice, "Yes, it's very tight -- but nasty."

The first thing you notice about this one is the production values. The lipstick sparkles, the overdone eyeshadow draws the eye, the pussy glistens and writhes under the tongue -- and this call girl we later learn is called "Lotus Flower" (what else?) has a very pretty pussy indeed -- dark with unique shadings that make the pink innards look all the more juicy. While the spittle flies -- both in the muff diving and the (uncut) cock sucking --Lotus Flower's stiff brown nipples stand and salute. Plus I like the way she smirks at the camera from time to time -- like, isn't this fun? Her titties don't have a whole lot of rattle and roll, but he grabs the nipples nicely (good for him). And anyway, when she's riding his cock with a bounce in her hump, we get a good shot of jiggle. About the editing -- I kind of like the quick montage thing quick shots of pussy, mouth, pussy, ass, pussy and so forth. Some might find it distracting, but I find it puts a jolt in what can be the same drawn out in and out. After our hero fucks both her holes to a rousing conclusion -- which lands all over her face, Lotus Flower tells our hero, "I love your sperm."

We next see our hero when he gets woken up at 2 in the morning so he can check out the body of the murder victim and explain that it's positioned as Da Vinci's Vitruvian man -- the one with the legs wide open. Great shot for the porn-watching ladies of naked guy stretched all out, his flaccid cock accessible -- necro anyone? Oh, sorry.

OK. The cloak and dagger bit is over, whew. Now Falco with the gruff facial shadow and his blond beauty with the black fish net jersey and the diamond teardrops on her face get going at it. In the light of candelabras, he takes up her glass slippered foot and rubs his cock with it -- interesting. A stellar blue drape in the background jumps out at you -- half-garish, half stunning -- but that leopard sofa from which his legs drop out as she sits on his dick and rides 'im reverse cowboy, vacuuming up that cock with gusto -- that leopard shit has got to go. At least the weird blue bra thing finally comes up to unleash this vixen's lovely fullish breasts -- they are greatly appreciated. And she's got a artsy looking cunt -- I mean, the way her inner pussy lips protrude, grabbing his cock like spurs, call me weird, but it's downright hot. And the grand finale, a seductive wet and shiny cum massage she works over her titties is fine.

Then there's the rough "interrogation scene." Every film's got to have one. "When you don't know nothing," says the dark haired beauty's interrogator, "you pay with your body." The black, thick muscled interrogator nicely manhandles her fleshy tits, squeezing and stretching the pink areolas roughly before he produces his fat and prodigious black cock -- but wait, she's a little too eager to get that baby down her throat. There it goes. Gone. Not to mention the sly grins she gives the camera. So this is the scene with the big dick, big tits and lots of gulping and moaning. Her pale skin is striking, not to mention her nubile little clit, peachy and moist, that she actually plays with every now and then. I really want to see her cunt wink at me in orgasm, but of course, this is porn, right? And by the way, for a tough guy he's giving off some awfully high pitched groans. But that's what I like -- a film that relishes its implausibility. As opposed to the Tom Hanks counterpart's big fat yawn of seriosity. I also had to love when this black dude opens her cunt with his big meaty hand -- a display for our viewing pleasure -- and spit shines her junk. This useful dude also sucks arm pit and massages clit -- pretty considerate interrogator if you ask me (I mean, guess he showed her!) And when he manhandles her thick breasts, that just put me over the edge. Well, on the edge anyway.

I must say, I find myself greatly appreciating the work of Antonio Adamo -- the production values, the nice cum splotched faces, the camera angles -- for example the one in the interrogation ass-fuck scene that caught everything -- I mean everything looking its hottest. All this made a nice save for a bad (actually incomprehensible) plot line. The fucking in Da Vinci was way more interesting than anything Tom Hanks had to say or do in the similarly titled film.

There's 6 sex scenes, including an orgy -- and not one of your run-of-the-mill 4-person gangbangs either. We're talking ten or more International stars -- men, women, and possibly other species -- who can tell? -- they're all wearing cheap barnyard animal masks a la Venetian ball, wildly ravaging one another like a cage of monkeys on ecstasy. As I watched I could imagine the hardy Adamo standing just off camera frantically gesturing with his hand “More whores! We need more whores!”

If you're like me, however, you'll save your load for the last scene. That's where get to see Sophia take the fucking of her life. Our protagonist "Tom Kahns" (whose anagram name, unless I'm mistaken, might suggest "Tom Hanks" has a European bastard brother) fucks Sophia (played by Claudia Rossi) like there's no solution to the crime. Oh, there isn't. Or is there? Maybe I missed it.

Overall in this film, Adamo takes an “all things to all people” approach -- throws the spaghetti at the wall and sees what sticks. This could be a pretty good film for couples to watch together; it's got humor, men and women having fun and a little bit of everything -- anal sex, pussy licking, tit-fucking, several nationalities and colors, clit and tongue piercings, tattoos and not. Only one thing missing for the ladies in your lives -- they won't get to see men's faces during the fucking. OK, it's a long-standing tradition to decapitate (well, and amputate the limbs off) men in porn, so it shouldn't really be a complaint about this film. You can't have everything.

Oh, and if you missed that this is supposed to be art porn, by all the references to Old Masters and the Louvre showing up between every sex scene, with its motto about the artist does art from his whole being or however that goes, check out the jazzy music in the scene selection loop. Like, dig it, man and pass the beret.